When I was 3 years old in preschool we had to get in line for the teacher who would write down our name, age, favorite color, etc. on a little badge so they could get to know all the kids. When I was in line the kids in front of me were like my favorite color is yellow, mine is pink and other happy bright colors. My favorite color was a very dark blue, almost black. As I heard the other kids I was like hmmm is my favorite color weird? Am I the weird kid? Is there something wrong with me? So when I got to the teacher I lied and said my favorite color was yellow. She painted a big yellow dot with felt tip pen on my badge which I wore for the next couple of weeks. I felt terrible for lying about it to the teacher, but didn’t want to say anything either.

So yeah that’s when I figured out I have anxiety.

During an inconspicuous math class in my final year of highschool I suddenly had enough of going in front of the classroom to solve a math problem. I love math, was good at it, but doing it live doesn’t sit well with mathematical anxiety. When it was my turn the teacher asked “Marcus, want to go in front please?” Then it hit me that that’s a question. So I gathered my guts while my heart was racing and replied “Would you mind if I said I’d rather not?” The teacher laughed and said “Yeah that’s fine.” My classmates’ minds were blown. I didn’t need to go in front for the rest of the year with which he made me king. I loved him; we always appreciated each other’s humour.

I thought everyone did this, I don’t think anyone in that classroom was actually learning anything about the contents of the text, all anyone could think about is “don’t fuck up saying words out loud”