As a kid, I always hated when my mom brushed my hair, it was always extremely painful, she’d yank chunks of hair out of my scalp, make my ears red and irritated, burn me with the dryer/iron
I used to think she just didn’t know how to make it not hurt or was just clumsy, my hair was long and I was little…
But I recently let her do it again for a formal function as an adult, with my partner in the room. (Because I told him she was always rough with it)
And it didn’t hurt… she put her hand up to protect my scalp, she didn’t yank, or tug too hard, or burn me, or make me almost cry.
Which means she always knew. She could’ve always been gentle… she just chose to hurt me instead.
As soon as someone’s around to witness their crimes they become almost perfectly docile. Arseholes.
It’s a painful realisation that they choose to hurt someone, probably because for the most part if we don’t like someone we choose to not further engage with that person instead of actively causing harm (exceptions exist of course).
I’m sorry your mother sucks. I hope your partner understands the intricacies of her actions and won’t dismiss anything you say.