Throwaway Account, here we go. So i think the egg finally cracked enough for me to accept, that Im trans. The thought has crossed my mind quite regularly in the past few weeks. Everything started with when I took LSD about 5 weeks ago and I was able to catch a thought that crossed my mind regarding my appreciation for female clothing (skirts etc.). It was “Acts trans, looks trans[I bought myself a skirt a few days prior to this], probably is trans”. My stupid ass of course was like “Nahhhh, I dont like such thoughts i may think about this once my brain isnt fried anymore” (guess what didnt happen). Since then there was this little nagging voice in my head always asking me “Are you sure you arent trans”, but I always just kept it silent saying “I will figure it out with the time”, without really thinking about if the voice maybe didnt have a point. I have been back at my parents house for about 4 weeks(since the semester is now over) now and in that time i catched myself think quite regularly how much I miss wearing my skirt and such stuff. Today the egg finally cracked. The voice that I may be trans has been getting extra loud the past few days, which led to me going on YouTube today searching for how/when people realised they are trans and watching some more videos of a mtf creator. This led to an unholy quest of doomscrolling r/egg_irl and @egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone and hating how much i could relate to a lot of this content. I could really feel how the barriers to acceptance fell while seeing this content. And now, im sitting here, writing this post and absolutely hating myself because I absolutely do not like this realisation and thinking about how this will change my life remembering a lot of stuff dating back years of my life and thinking to myself “You stupid idiot really thought these kind of thoughts were normal?”. Additionally to the hate about why I cant just be normal like everyone else I now additionally have these very intense cravings to start transitioning. It makes life quite shit, knowing what you want, but currently nut being able to come anywhere close to it. Luckily Im currently in a position where i am quite sure, that when/if i finally come out i wont face that much (or probably little to zero) backlash over this. My family will probably not be super supportive (its not in their “nature”), but they will probably accept it. My close friend group wont have any problems at all and only roasting me with some phrases like “Remeber when I said you will turn into a femboy 2 years ago and you idiot denied that? Look what happened to you.”. Only problem may be some of my friends from my hometown who are more conservative, but I guess/hope that they will be fine, since they arent really right or so, just uninformed about a lot of topics. My biggest fear would probably be my music orchestra, because there are quite a lot of older people and in my village about 50% voted for our “conservative” party (They are far right, especially in term of immigration, but dont have the balls to admit it), but to be fair a lot of these 50% are probably people who dont even know other parties exist, since theyve been voting for them the whole time. This would probably one of the hardest losses, if i had to cut ties with them, since i really like playing there and having to deal with a lot of people who dont accept me the way I am wouldnt be worth it.

Thanks for reading my vent, because I really had to get this off my chest, but currently dont have the balls to talk about this with a friend and I want to wait at least a few weeks before doing so to be sure.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the kind words. I devinetively needed this.

  • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    5·
    5 days ago

    Wherever you are, there are probably other trans people in the same city or town. Find these people, they will have local knowledge - this is how I know who is safe to go to as a hairdresser, as a doctor, as a therapist, etc. If you live in a big enough place, trans people might share this knowledge online, too, and you can search for it there.

    it doesn’t really feel like gender dysphoria … I dont hate my current body.

    I thought similar things, too - I just didn’t know the variety of ways dysphoria could look like. I didn’t hate my penis, so I thought I couldn’t be trans, for example. Pre-transition I repressed my feelings a lot, and once I transitioned I became much more sensitive to everything “wrong” with my body. I went from thinking I had no dysphoria, to realizing just how extreme my dysphoria had always been.

    Realizing one is trans can be difficult, I lived decades of my life before I had the tools to interpret my experiences accurately. So don’t be surprised if your feelings and your understanding of your feelings shift as a part of this process, they certainly did with me.

    EDIT:

    Oh, and this video playlist by the Transition Channel was what specifically caused me to seriously consider that I might be trans. Previously I had only used the DSM-V clinical definition, and I assumed because I had “no” severe dysphoria / distress I must not be trans. (Turns out I developed coping mechanisms like dissociation to help me survive being trans, and those also masked my symptoms without my awareness.)

    EDIT2:

    Also, what I didn’t realize before is that even the DSM-V has flexible sub-categories for gender dysphoria that allow clinicians to diagnose for those who don’t strictly meet the typical criteria, e.g. “Unspecified gender dysphoria” and “Other specified gender dysphoria”.