SterlingPooper [none/use name]

if you think my username sucks wait til you read my comments

  • 5 Posts
  • 78 Comments
Joined 5 years ago
Cake day: July 27th, 2020
  • SterlingPooper [none/use name]@hexbear.nettodisabled@hexbear.net•Disabled Community Megathread from June 30, 2025 to July 13, 2025English
    3·
    2 days ago
    neurospice adventures continue

    In a vicious cycle getting used to Adderall again. Today I wasn’t able to shower or get dressed, but I sent two job applications (something I have been putting off) and am going to try to get to the store for some actually filling foods.

    So much pent up energy and it’s like the walls of my mind palace are all swaying back and forth. My emotions are calm again, though, as much as I’m struggling to physically do things.

    The time honored tradition of laying on the floor has been deeply helpful. Today, this is productivity. If I don’t eat, I will always be hungry.

  • SterlingPooper [none/use name]@hexbear.nettodisabled@hexbear.net•Disabled Community Megathread from June 30, 2025 to July 13, 2025English
    6·
    1 day ago
    old update

    Amidst being dragged in other parts of the site, I’m just trying to adjust to taking my Adderall again after forgetting it for the entirety of last week. I’ve been getting like 4 hours of sleep, and I’m pretty much always shaky. Been getting more exercise which helps, but like, my brain feels weird and as usual, I’m alone with my thoughts.

    Gonna go stand in a field or something.

    edit: I stood in a field, watched the sunset. looked at the trees and berries, took pictures. i feel calmer, at least.

    I never know how to handle myself after my emotions take over. I feel guilty for expressing anything. the fact that I don’t have, like, someone close I can talk to IRL, I blame myself. It’s an indictment on my social skills and interpersonal skills, I did all of this to myself.

  • SterlingPooper [none/use name]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•It's really hot - Trans Megathread for the week 2025-06-30 to 2025-07-06English
    3·
    3 days ago

    for what it’s worth, i’ve undeleted pretty much every comment i ever made on this account. how am i supposed to know that people even want to read my old comments? stuff that i feel is too identifying stays deleted. i can’t undelete the Wendy account but like, nobody was telling me that i should stay, nobody made it clear that they’d be reading things i posted in the past. like if that had been made clear to me then i wouldn’t have just up and deleted it.

    i find it slightly ridiculous for people to call me out for deleting comments that they didn’t read in the first place, as if i’m under special direction to make sure this information gets 150% through to you. if people are working as hard as i am to simple communicate, i don’t know where those people are. when you all delete comments i don’t think all that much about it, i generally respect that people will post something that they later want to delete. why am i held to a higher standard lmao

  • SterlingPooper [none/use name]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•It's really hot - Trans Megathread for the week 2025-06-30 to 2025-07-06English
    3·
    3 days ago

    at this point who cares. i’ll stop deleting comments but it’s also just like, a comment from 2 days ago doesn’t necessarily reflect how i feel today. i feel a lot of guilt when i blow up and ruin the megathread. so i delete the comment. if i post with the intent to converse and it doesn’t happen, i feel rejected. you want to read two days from now about how i wanted to cast a spell on this website, or something arguably nsfw? some of my comments are me slurring at myself, which is why i delete them. i could leave them up as reminders of my failures, though

    the matrix chats moved too fast for me the last time i tried. and i joined with a different username because i hate this username so people pressured me to change it which i felt weird about. my impression was that they were all mostly on the same page in terms of what to talk about, and i didn’t really know how to get my footing or what to say.

    i wish i weren’t reacting to observations i’ve already made when trying to socialize. i’ve listed specific concerns and people still are like “what a tough egg to crack, this guy’s good, he’s so good, i have no idea what he wants in this situation”

  • SterlingPooper [none/use name]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•It's really hot - Trans Megathread for the week 2025-06-30 to 2025-07-06English
    10·
    3 days ago
    Yesterday

    Yesterday was upsetting. I’m done spending 2+ hours typing comments. It’s literally not good for my psyche to spend this much time focusing on this site, this problem. It’s amounting to its own internal issue for me.

    Right now this site is acting like a Demon Pit for my Gender Thoughts that spits them back out as terrible monsters meant to horrify me.

    I thought talking would make it better. It has not. I thought I could make friends by being genuine. I have not. I’m surprised that you all are so comfortable with someone getting worked up this often, if I’m being honest.

    There’s probably some other thread where you all exchange Cool Trans Secrets anyway. It is what it is. I’m not worthy.

    As someone early in their transition, I am filled to the brim with questions and concerns and thoughts about gender and sexuality. I don’t know if this is normal. I’ve been single for years, no sex life to speak of. I’m a blank slate, I am so eager to learn.

    But you all make me feel like I should keep these things to myself. There’s no discussion to be had, I guess. I should just read old Reddit threads where someone else describes what I’m talking about.

    I’m putting a few ventilations in one comment. I literally have to limit my screen time or else I’ll post all day until I get a response. This isn’t how I wanted to be. People can stop this by helping.

    gender envy

    It’s frustrating dealing with gender envy with one of my friends’ girlfriend. Her fashion, the stuff she posts is very much my vibe.

    So it’s weird because she graduated, I don’t see her anymore, but the connections are mutual enough that I’m just aware of this person and have no idea how to have friendship, or even a conversation with her.

    I think I’d faint if she talked to me. I know that’s pathetic. I feel this way about a percentage of the women I go to school with. It’s envy, attraction, then shame, then I am invisible. Like a woman would laugh me out of the room for thinking I could ever look like her, be like her.

    It’s hard. I shut down because I’m like, “well she sees me as a guy, and she has a boyfriend, so she probably isn’t going to want to talk to me because she sees me as a guy so she assumes I’m a horndog because straight men only reallybefriend women for sex and I’m not a man so I don’t know how to befriend women”

    I think we could’ve been friends. Unless she’s still in town it’s probably too late.

    couples

    I just want for a woman or someone to teach me how to be more feminine. I’d be so willing to learn. I’m like a blank slate. I can barely function as a guy. I don’t know if anyone has ever been as ready as I am.

    I’m also jealous of literally every couple I see. Any time I see two women especially I’m like “WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DO NOT” and I think this comes from the fact that I think people who are able to have friends and keep people around do know something that I don’t.

    Like you, reading this, if you have someone you just casually text and don’t ever really wonder about the consistency of the back and forth, congrats, I’m jealous of your ability to keep people around. You are a social Adonis as far as I’m concerned.

    If I’m out and I see two people, my mind is immediatelywondering how they know each other, how long they’ve been together, how much fun it must be to be together.