Went to the museum with family. Tried to hang out with my brother and their partner, and a friend that I kinda like. Other queer/neurodivergent people

But they all like slid off as a group and I was stuck by myself because I didn’t want to walk around with my parents

The easiest shot I could ever have to make friends and of course it doesn’t work out. Nobody even understands or cares that I felt left out. They described it later and were like “yeah the three of us did our thing” and it’s like, I wanted to be part of that. They didn’t even consider me.

Clearly I’m just too quiet and nice and polite to live. I care too much about others and if they’re feeling good or enjoying themselves. I want things to be peaceful too much. These are flaws.

What’s more I’m worried that there’s more knocking around in my brain besides being gay and trans and autistic. Another secret thing that makes people not like me. Idk.

It’s not going well, and I’m busy, and I’m too fucking weird for the weirdos in my life. So idk.

My problem with holding space for others is actually that I’ve done it for so long that I guess I thought that someone would offer me the same. I’m inclined to stay quiet and listen, but I’m also burnt out from it, from listening to people so much and being asked so rarely. If someone asked me I would be so vulnerable. The problem is when I’m vulnerable people are consistently put off, but nobody will tell me how I’m supposed to phrase things in order to avoid that. I thought prompting others to ask would be better than just saying “Wow I want to die” devoid of any context. It gives other people the opportunity to help. I don’t want to take someone hostage by talking about suicide or gender dysphoria and expecting them to care. That’s a lot to place on others.

If this were the first time this person was telling me about the show, that’s different. If this person weren’t consistently talking over me and others, that’s different. People ignore and talk over me when I want to infodump, and then I have your infodump and my infodump that I didn’t get to say still in my head and I haven’t gotten to dump anything anywhere. But it’s my fault for having too much going on in my head. I’m burnt out from being thoughtful and mindful of others where it isn’t reciprocated. Like if anyone would just ask. me. direct. questions. surprise surprise, I’d answer.

My perception is that I do a lot for others by being polite and not talking over them and listening to them. Other people will just talk over each other and be rude and not listen and I always try to listen as much as I can so they don’t feel ignored. This same space is not held for me, and that is what I do not understand. I have always tried to be there for others.

I don’t really think people want connection unless they’re explicit about it. Like to me that’s something that has to be stated and established. I don’t want to build something with someone in some vague situationship that just ends because it’s not convenient. I want it to be mutual and intentional.

I’d also argue that me saying any of this is me being vulnerable. But watch, somehow I’m doing it wrong, or doing it in the wrong time or place, or something. The goalposts keep moving.

Like literally I might have to get worse to get better. I just don’t see a path forward. I’m too old and too lacking. Do I really have to work this hard to find my people? Nobody else has to work this hard to get someone to have a conversation with them.

I don’t want to die but like there’s no life so it makes you think

I can only really deduce that something is wrong with me because nobody will validate my concerns and that it’s a reflection of me in some way. I am doing something to make people feel horrible when they talk to me or read my posts and they correctly decide that I suck

Doesn’t matter that I’m nonbinary or autistic, people think I suck for some other secret reason being kept from me I guess by everyone. Like I don’t know what I’m supposed to be making of situations where nothing I do is actually enough to get attention.

I’ll be honest, I thought someone would at least pity me. I’d accept pity under the right circumstances. I wanted mutual emotional support, but clearly nobody is ever going to want to talk to me about emotions or processing thoughts or anything like that and it was a lost cause from the beginning.

I see people every day who just connect and talk about things and have no anxiety and I want to be like that so much and I resent that everyone else learned and nobody taught me. They all know what I don’t and they won’t tell me. And I’m supposed to be strong. God forbid I find myself feet-up at the bottom of a creek in the mountains. I get less support because I’m suffering.

Like, I’ll start speaking up, and I guarantee that it’ll be a problem, and I won’t give a shit because no one ever bothered to even try to help me work through this. I don’t know how to justify taking blame for behavior that I perceive to be someone else’s fault. Seems like the person who made me upset shouldn’t have done that.

Maybe help the person you know is struggling, the person you know is going through something you went through, or something you can help with. “No, I’m gonna wait for him to have the idea himself to put down the razor. He’ll talk himself out of it, I mean, he talked himself into it, could work” 🤔

I’m genuinely confused as to why people don’t notice and why people don’t say more. Here and irl. It doesn’t matter, obviously you decided not to care.

I’m supposed to be honest but also not overshare how fucked up I am even though that is honesty, I’m supposed to want people not to care if I’m any gender when I want people to affirm my feminine side, and I’m supposed to get people to help me without realizing that they’re helping me otherwise they’ll say “not on your life, squirt.” Or I’m supposed to ask endless questions like I’m filling out a form, I guess, to get to know them

If it had been up to me, the right people wouldn’t have left in the first place and I wouldn’t have had to sit and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I don’t know if others are supposed to care. Maybe I just get therapy and transition and never tell anyone. But Hot Fuck it would be nice to have some sort of standard, or baseline, or average for what to shoot for, to start, for now.

It would be nice to have someone actively engaging with my problems because that’s always what I’ve done for others. Checking in to see if they’re making progress. Asking how they are. Maybe that’s codependent and fucked up and gross and betrays boundaries. But it’s what I want. Is it bad that I want some of the attention in my life to be unprompted? Am I a sinful beast for wanting the energy I have given to reciprocate in some recognizable form? Maybe I am awful for wanting that.