I would excommunicate all cabbage farmers and declare a papal bull declaring all poopy butts heretics.

If nothing is coming in that means no cabbage is coming in and I think that’s a worthy sacrifice.

Unsanitary bathrooms are straight from hell. It’s genuinely disgusting. It’s usually the remote bathrooms in rural roads that are really gross and dirty. I’m sorry you had to experience that.

Then how do people do that without getting their clothes all soaking wet?

In squatting holes they usually have a low pressure shower bidet or a container just pouring water on it and then they scrub it with their hands. It gets your hand dirty but it gets the job done with minimum splashing.

Every description online is like very vauge and overly modest in using a bidet and I just need something explict step by step.

I’m not sure how much it helps but wikihow has a guide.

Yep no poopy butt = no itching.

Generally hygiene is taught by your mom/dad or primary caretaker

It reminds me of the poop knife. Now I wonder what poop knife habits I have that no one else does.

Different per bidet and person but in my experience it doesn’t.

I have installed a mirror attachment to my bidet and 3 other mirrors at different angles so that I can look straight and see my butt. Then I pull out my phone, take a picture and send it to an image analysis AI hosted on a cloud broker in germany which has been trained on 20 thousand pictures of my clean ass vs 20 thousand pictures of my dirty ass. Then after that I feed its output to an LLM which gives me back a 5 paragraph essay explaining the situation down there ELI5 style. Then I call an ass specialist on the phone to consult the results with them and finally after the medical panel has been formed and gave their final diagnosis I stand up and wash my hands.

I thank hexbears that dedicate their precious time to archiving funny internet posts. Godspeed.

Most of them are valid I don’t want to deny other people’s experience.

I have no social filter aka I am an asshole.

Gatorade tastes so shit it honestly belongs in waste water.

There isn’t usually any residual shit left but you can still wipe if you want it’ll still use way less TP than wiping.

It’s just blasting it with water no soap involved. You get a little wet but it dries off quickly. Obviously you can’t eat off of your ass like that but generally it’s cleaner than wiping it unless you are an ardent wiper or use a lot of TP.

💦🔫

This. It’s kinda on me though because I specifically mentioned bidets and shower bidets as the only solutions. I just took 5 minutes to type a stupid post without clearly thinking about the nuances of a topic as complicated as butt washing.

It never left.

I’ll make sure that the area is clean then wait a little bit so that it drys out then leave. If I could somehow pin point target the water straight into my anus and nowhere else I might as well go get an enema.

Then a sizeable percentage of people are doing it wrong because why on earth do so many people smell like poop? I know some people don’t even wipe but I’ve asked some whether or not they have wiped and despite that they still smelt like poop.

They do actually all sewage treatment plants have filters that contain millions of tiny assholes.