It doesn’t fucking matter what I do I’m playing some game with some old friends online and ten minutes later as I’m laying in bed I just feel more empty and lonely than I ever knew was even possible. I’m sorry for just making these posts and never replying to any of the messages. I don’t want online friends I want real friends. I want to smell people, hug people, kiss people, hear them breath, I want to feel someone next to me, I want to be touched in all the places I’ve never been touched before, I want to be tender to someone else I want to cry with someone else. I want to fall asleep next to someone, I want to wake up next to someone I want to feel their warmth but in the thirty years that I have lived so far that hasn’t happened and I just dont see how it will ever happen but I don’t want anything else out of life there’s no point to any of the rest of it if i can’t share it fully with other people. If this is what my life is going to be like I don’t want it
This is the plague of the modern era. I can find so many lefties online but I got zero in my physical existence. Mark Zuckerberg is right, I want 15 friends. 15 communist friends.
Today I went hunting for mushrooms in the woods and I just started to feel really depressed and hated myself. Then was thinking “what the hell man. I’m out here in the woods why am I feeling sad?” Don’t know why these machinations of existence are not what they used to be. But sometimes it sure as hell seems on purpose.
I’m sorry if that wasn’t helpful. Hopefully just knowing that you’re not the only one going through this could help a little bit.