I have been having a really tough time with emotional regulation for several months. Every slight irritation feels like fucking nails on chalkboard, where something like buying the wrong thing at the store and not noticing until I get home might make me want to scream and throw things. I don’t, but a lot of the time with annoyances I just loudly swear as kind of a pressure release and when it’s really bad Ive been white knuckling it so as not to hit myself or throw shit. Normally I just let out a loud “FUCK” or “GOD DAMNIT”. Not screaming, but much louder than I talk
My partner is from a normal healthy family so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying “fuck”, not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don’t see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I’m very tame in comparison. But, I know it’s something I need to try to control, I guess, but I feel like I can’t. It’s just an instinctive reaction, especially when there are a couple mistakes/annoyances stacked on eachother.
Any advice if you struggle with this? I go to therapy and my therapist sucks so thats not helpful right now
I struggled with behavior very similar to yours, especially during a stressful time in my twenties.
“so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying “fuck”, not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don’t see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I’m very tame in comparison.”
I’ve said this exact thing, goodness.
Well here’s the thing, even if you’re not yelling at anyone in particular, being in the presence of someone yelling into the void, even from frustration, comes off aggressive and can be scary to a bystander regardless of intention. It took me far too long to figure this out. I really mean it, if you were in a room with someone slamming shit and screaming fuck loudly, would you feel comfortable? A lot of growth happened when I realized I was affecting the people around me negatively despite it not being directed at them. …Too damn long to learn this…
I think back to these similar outbusts and think, I was crying for help. In those moments, I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated I just wanted help. For me, that’s what I was trying to communicate. Showing frustration in the most raw form freaks most people out.
If your goal is communicate for support, find words to do so.
Can’t find the words until you deal with the blood rage from irritation. Still to this day when I’m feeling like this, the easiest thing I have found is to remove myself from my immediate environment and right away.
For simple example, come home with the groceries, realize something has gone wrong, you got the wrong item. It always feels so catastrophic doesn’t it? Put the wrong item from the store on the counter and head to an outdoor space. Just don’t do anything but get yourself to a physical, literal, happy place you’ve chosen. I like my porch and my back yard. But any place thats objectively different from where you currently stand. If you’re outside, go inside, or vice versa I will straight up put myself in time out, but somewhere that will feel clam.
The idea is to engage your logical brain over your emotional.
Environmental change is the easiest way to do this I find. Meltdowns are tough to navigate because they feel right. Idk, today I can sense it coming and just do this. I leave all screens behind and find someplace with solace. Birdwatching for ten minutes will do the trick for me. Maybe listen to a certain playlist. But the goal is to engage the logical mind, and lower your blood pressure from exploding. Sometimes this practice only turns the rage to sad. But sad doesnt scare my people, disregulated overstimulation does.
Idk I’m no professional, I too still go to therapy weekly. It’s tough out there.
I wish I could have learned to manage this when I was younger, but alas, maybe It could help you
Best of luck out there, I apologize I word vomitted here a bit, excuse me
No worries about the word vomit! I appreciate you being thoughtful about your response
Yeah, I wish I could understand this better. My partner & I have been together for like 8 years, and I can get really excited in general and really animated in front of him, especially when I’m complaining lol. And I’ve just done it for so long, I just hate that it still affects him. I care and want to be sensitive to his feelings, but it’s just so so hard to contain. And it’s generally not screaming, but it’s still aggressive which is the point. I don’t even realize that I’m being as aggressive as I come off, a lot of the time. Wish I was more in tune with it.
This is probably going to be the easiest thing to do when I’m in the space where I was today with the wrong purchase example. I will be leaving whatever room I’m in a LOT lol. I think the trauma from my last job really did a much more severe number on me than I think I realized, so I am just ultra agitated at the smallest things, it sucks. But detaching from my phone, especially in those moments will probably help too.
thank youuuu