I got a new (second-hand) bike this week. It’s got swept back handlebars and I just don’t like them after riding with them for a few days. It feels like I’m holding onto a zimmer frame and I hate how I have to hold my arms to the sides 
I wanna replace em with cool, non-lame handlebars like these 
l will almost certainly need longer cables for my brakes and shifters though. How much of a pain in the ass would swapping out the cables be?
Not hard at all. You just replace break and shift cable with a longer one and then you have to tension it right. Check out cjhoyle on YouTube. His maintenance playlist have almost everything you need.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
not hard at all. you’ll probably want some zip ties, and some real good wire clippers. you dont want the cable to fray, especially on brakes.
just pick up new cables and housing, and you should be good to go
It is extremely easy but you will need ways to cut the cables and housing. You will need cable cutters or a dremel tool for the housings. If you get the cutters then you can also use them on the cables of course. Get decent ones - better than Harbor Freight.
But if I were you I’d give the swept back bars a few more chances, they are rad and more ergonomic than you’d think. Maybe play with your seat height, too.
I’d be going to a local bike kitchen to get this done, so they’d likely have the right tools for the job. I just want to figure out if it’s something I could get done in one go in the few hours those places are open because the bike would obviously not be rideable until it was done.
I just prefer tall and wide handlebars on upright bikes like these- I feel like they give me much finer control and they feel more stable.
If you planned it out you could have it done in 10-15 minutes. The process is the same for basically every cable so I’ll just describe one:
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If the brake has a barrel adjuster, loosen it (rotate it back into itself).
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Snip off cable end where it’s crimped, like on the derailleur or brake.
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Loosen where it’s attached to the derailleur or brake.
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Locate where the cable is secured in the brake lever or shifter. This usually should not require disassembly, just moving stuff around a little. Hold the lever or shifter “open” and push or pull the cable out - with the crimped end cut it will just go through the housing.
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Remove the old housing(s) you need to replace.
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Eyeball the new housing length. Give yourself enough length to steer. It’s best to install the new handlebars and overlay the housing stock while the handlebars are turned to the most extreme direction opposite the origin of the housing from the frame. You want the housings to enter the shifter/derailleur and frame straight-on for all normal handlebar positions, so have a nice curve in all positions (not stretched). If too short, your bike will shift or brake when you turn the handlebars. Mark the cut location on the housing.
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Cut the housing with good cutters.
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Install ferrules on the housing.
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Install the housing.
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Run new cable through the housing and secure in the lever or shifter.
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Secure cable on the derailleur or brake under light tension. Use a torque wrench to spec, especially for the brakes.
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Snip the cable with around 4 cm left over.
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Crimp a new cable end.
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(Can be done later if necessary) adjust the barrel adjuster until up/down shifting is even or braking is to your preference.
I listed 14 steps but they go fast. The only places to take time are on sizing the new housing and attaching ferrules properly. Note that you likely don’t need to lubricate the cables or housing, they are likely already coated with something.
You may also want to use this opportunity to ensure your derailleur limits are set properly and your brake pads are in good shape and positioned very close to (but not touching) the braking surface.
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