It doesn’t fucking matter what I do I’m playing some game with some old friends online and ten minutes later as I’m laying in bed I just feel more empty and lonely than I ever knew was even possible. I’m sorry for just making these posts and never replying to any of the messages. I don’t want online friends I want real friends. I want to smell people, hug people, kiss people, hear them breath, I want to feel someone next to me, I want to be touched in all the places I’ve never been touched before, I want to be tender to someone else I want to cry with someone else. I want to fall asleep next to someone, I want to wake up next to someone I want to feel their warmth but in the thirty years that I have lived so far that hasn’t happened and I just dont see how it will ever happen but I don’t want anything else out of life there’s no point to any of the rest of it if i can’t share it fully with other people. If this is what my life is going to be like I don’t want it
I live in a big city. Just nobody likes me enough to be around me, I’m a weirdo who even though he has no money and comes from a working class background and is a white cishet dude and socially stunted decided to be interested in high culture shit.
Also I don’t want to go to some shitty hobby meetup once a week, I want friends I can talk to regularly that so sleepovers and that you just hang out with that you have for years and that you go on vacations with
You don’t get friends without meeting people. That’s what the groups are for. If you’re into high culture shit, find groups for those interests. If you want really close friends that do sleepovers and whatnot, find the ND people in these groups. They’re more likely to say fuck social norms and do cool shit as an adult. You want something very specific but apparently want it to appear out of thin air, which is not how social relationships work. And you’re never going to find the “perfect” friends. Absolutely don’t befriend chuds, transphobes, racists, etc but social relationships are messy and you need to give people some grace. Like you can’t expect people you just met to want to spend all their time with you. They may have opinions on culture that you don’t agree with but it’s not a big deal (unless they’re just a bad person). Example: I have a friend that is highly opinionated on what is “good” art and their personal style clashes completely with me (their basic femme stuff in earth tones vs. my maximalist queer NB fits). Despite this, we are great friends and use these differences to have great discussions and poke fun at each other a bit. You may find a person who disagrees with you vehemently but if you actually talk to them, you realize their background is totally different and they’re not bad for having the “wrong” opinion, just a different journey on their way to finding their taste.
All of this rambling to say: get out of your head/house, go to groups of people with similar interests, and get to know people. This is how you form friendships. If you do any kind of art or craft (or are interested in learning!), that’s the best bet for finding chill people. Art/craft folk love hanging out and making shit. (Don’t forget art can also mean music, film, photography, etc)